Thursday, November 12, 2015

Some Sad Knitting

While I was looking for quilt squares in my cedar chest, I came upon these.


My mother was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in December of 2000, and after radiation, chemotherapy, and a heart-wrenching and painful struggle, died in January of 2002.

I clearly remember when she first told me about it; all I could think to do was knit for her. So I did. I had some sort of vague, irrational idea that if I could knit her chemo caps to keep her warm and comfortable after she lost her hair, then everything would be okay. I was so focused on this that I knit these in two days, without patterns, and out of some unsuitable cotton that I had on hand. She did lose her hair, and wore these, but they didn't make everything okay.

All I can remember about the funeral is sobbing to my sister afterwards about another chemo cap that I had made Mom out of Chinchilla. It was also unsuitable yarn for a hat (rayon chenille, dry clean only), but so soft, and it was Mom's favorite. I was afraid it had gotten lost, but it turned out that my sister had it. That was fine; I just couldn't bear to think about these last fragile connections with my mother disappearing.

After almost 14 years I mainly recall the happy memories, but finding these in the cedar chest did make me a bit teary-eyed. It's good to remember the sadness occasionally as it makes the happy times in our lives even sweeter.

10 comments:

  1. oh Bonny, I'm so sorry for your loss...time helps, but doesn't make it better. How wonderful that you have those caps and so many happy memories.

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  2. I hear ya. Sometimes the tears come, even when it's been a long time. But clearly you did something that made your mother happy and made her feel loved, so I hope you know that.

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  3. We have so little of my mothers and I feel that loss. Sad memories lead to happy memories and that's how we get through the loss.

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  4. Sending a big hug your way Bonny. I too knit my Mom a couple of hats when she lost her hair (lung and liver). I couldn't keep them though after she died. I don't drive by the cemetery that often but I did this morning, and I beeped. :-)

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  5. Hugs hugs hugs--how lovely your mom had something impractical that she loved!

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  6. The kind of grief we feel when we lose our moms is something that we get used to but it doesn't go away. I'm so sorry and I hope you know that I get it.

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  7. Oh, Bonny. Sending so much love. XO

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  8. I have some things of my mother's and my sister's around -- hats that I made for them, some of the things that they wore. I don't put them away, they're just out... I am sometimes surprised and I know exactly how you feel. {{hugs}}

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  9. my mom died of breast cancer too :( I love that you have fond memories as do I! I have an unfinished cross stitch picture I started when she was ill, I cannot finish it, it makes me sad and anxious and so I tuck it away.

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  10. I'm knitting socks right now for my uncle, who has multiple types of cancer. It's been a good way to channel my anxiety about his situation into something that is both calming and productive.

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