I have the first memorial service of the year to attend today. I thought about not going and could list many of the reasons - it's an hour away, my connection to the deceased is a bit loose, and there are lots of things I'd rather do. We used to stay with my grandparents for a few weeks every summer, and one summer it seemed like they were always going to a funeral. When I asked my grandmother why they had to go to so many, she told me that it was always important to go to the funeral. Once I remembered that my decision was made.
I went to high school with the man that died and rode the bus with Tim every day for six years. When I think of him, I can still picture him clunking his trumpet case against every seat on the bus when he got on. He married the youngest sister of my brother-in-law, so I have seen him several times over the years. His wife Robin is one of the sweetest, most gentle people I have ever known, and she has always been exceedingly kind to me. Several times I have talked with my sister about how Robin may be too tenderhearted to exist in the world unscathed. There are several reasons for me to put on my black suit, drive for an hour, and express my condolences.
It turns out that there is an NPR essay that agrees with my grandmother. It was written 18 years ago, but it's still true, you go because it's the right thing to do. I was numb during my mother's funeral, but I still remember the people present that cared about her and came on a frigid and snowy January day to express that. And I had a few overwhelming moments during my father's funeral when I was so glad to see some friendly faces after years of his being ill and me being angry (at him, his long illnesses, and his insistence on an open casket). Those moments meant a lot, and it's the least I can do to maybe be a part of that and say "Tim's life mattered and I'm sorry for your loss, Robin." So today I'm going to the memorial service to do the right thing, honor Tim's life, support Robin, participate in this ritual that's a part of life, and maybe even reflect on my own life.
Funerals can be hard, but I think it's important to go to them, too. Yes, it's important to remember the deceased, but I think it's even more important to be there for the loved ones left behind.
ReplyDeleteI will be thinking about you and Tim's family today. And, yes... you should always go to the funeral.
ReplyDeleteXO
safe travels! Funerals are for remembering and the family always appreciates who remembers.
ReplyDeleteI think the whole ritual of a funeral is an important part of the grieving process and I'm proud of you for making this choice.
ReplyDeleteYes it is important! Not always easy or pleasant, but good for you (any grieving process) and so good for the loved ones of the deceased. Safe travels as you go.
ReplyDeleteSolid advice from your grandmother. I was on the fence about going to one last year and am so glad I did... so now I'm going to internalize this policy!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for your loss. Safe travels.
ReplyDeleteTravel safely. I read or heard somewhere (and you probably have to) that grieving family members will not remember what you say but that you showed up to support them. As you wrote, going to a funeral is saying the deceased person's life had value and mattered. God's speed as you show up for your friends.
ReplyDeleteMy mom always told me the same thing . . . and she always practiced what she preached. As I grow older, I see more and more that it's true. Sometimes, I feel that my connection is "too loose" and maybe I "shouldn't go" . . . but then I go anyway, and I'm always glad I did. I've come to understand that when someone dies - however we knew them, the connections are really never "too loose." (And when my mom died, I was so touched by all the people who attended her memorial service. I kept wanting to call my mom to tell her who'd been there . . . she'd have been very moved by the support. ) XO
ReplyDeleteI was in a church choir during my school years, and whenever we sang at a funeral where it was the choir, the priest and *maybe* one other person, I was glad we were there.
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