Sometimes Monday ...

... is a good day to choose a word. My one little word for 2020 is

How handy for me that Justin's girlfriend drives a Ford Focus!

For me, this is a logical progression after exploring Balance in 2019. It was a real aha! moment when I read an extraordinary post from Kym and it became clear to me that I needed to change my word to Balance. I paid attention to regaining and remaining in balance throughout most of the year, and it has been life-changing.

Kym's diagram Balance ==> Focus ==> Intention seems so well-reasoned and logical to me that Focus was my obvious choice this year. (Guess what my word will be next year?!) I'm looking forward to putting Focus into action, but I'm also not quite ready to let go of Balance. (I'm not sure I ever will be.) So while I intend to explore Focus, I also want to make sure that I continue to maintain an equilibrium between work and leisure, fun and serious, physical activity and rest, thoughtful consideration and spontaneity. I'm recommitting myself to daily meditation, which I know will help with both Balance and Focus.

Exploring things almost always begins with books for me, so I am reading Indistractable by Nir Eyal, and I have several other books in my Focus queue. I feel like I'm off to a good (and focused!) start. I hope to join Honoré on the last Tuesday of the month and hope you will, too, to share and read where others' words are leading them.

I'll leave you with a quote that explains why I think a bit of focus might be a good thing for the whole world:
The more clearly we can focus our attention on the wonders and realities of the universe about us, the less taste we shall have for destruction.
― Rachel Carson

Balance

Balance has been a bit difficult to focus on recently, but that is exactly when it is most important to try. Paying attention to nature and poetry has helped me to regain some balance, and sometimes I'm even rewarded with candy luminous edible spry pinks shy skies.

Reading and educating myself about others in different circumstances than the lucky ones I find myself in also helps in maintaining balance. I hope you'll stay tuned over the next four Tuesdays because Kym will begin our first Read With Us discussion of Just Mercy (the first third of the book) next Tuesday, November 5th. I'll be continuing the conversation on November 12th, and Carole will be wrapping up the discussion on November 19th. Kym will be back with a summary on November 26th, so there are going to be plenty of opportunities for your comments, thoughts, opinions, and questions. We value your input and really hope you'll join in and Read With Us!

Joining Juliann. 

Looking for Balance ...

... in books.

I'm focusing on balance this year, and thought I'd do a little catch-up on my efforts. So far I've added more poetry, gratitude, mindfulness, meditation, and just plain breathing to my life. As a reader, I've always felt that many answers lie in books, so this month I'm reading a few, specifically about balance.

I've just started listening to Balance by Suzie Doscher. The subtitle explains why I chose it: Finding Balance During Life's Difficult Moments. That seems to be exactly when I most need to remember balance and not let myself get way out of whack. Both of my kids have issues, and I have my own, so I've spent recent days worrying and playing that dangerous game - "what if?" This is the thought process where I head down the road of doom and gloom, imagining all kinds of not-delightful outcomes for myself and those I love and care about. So far, this book seems to be helping me with new ways to view things and the skills to see things differently.

Next on my list is Finding Your Emotional Balance by Merry Noel Miller. The author states that "women are busy trying to keep everyone happy while taking care of parents, spouses, and children. Sometimes, doing it all is doing too much." That sounds like my story for the past several years, so I'm looking forward to seeing what words of wisdom I might find here. 

I'll post reviews after I finish these and let you know if my abilities to balance various aspects of my life are continuing to improve. If you have any other suggestions for reading material, I'd love to hear them. Websites, articles, even fiction that includes balance as a theme are all welcome!

Balance in May

This last Tuesday of the month is time to talk about my progress with my one little word. As I explore the ups and downs of balance, I've learned a few new things about balance this month. 

One of the things I've learned is that balance includes plenty of gratitude. Honore was kind, thoughtful, and generous and sent me this lovely reminder. Justin thought it would useful in several ways, both when I was feeling out of kilter or off balance:

and a beautiful sign when I had gotten myself back into balance. 

Either way, I love it and thank you, Honore, for your help in my quest to achieve balance!

I've been practicing meditation daily as a way to maintain a sense of balance, and this has been helpful, but I've also begun feeling and listening to my breath throughout the day whenever I want to let go of mounting stress and focus on mindfulness. Poetry, stillness, gratitude, meditation, and breathing are all going a long way towards helping me find my own best ways of being balanced. 

Balance in April

Joining Juliann and friends on this last Tuesday of the month to talk about my one little word. As I explore the ups and downs of balance, I've learned something new this month. For me, living a balanced life includes poetry. I've read poetry before, but somehow I've really begun to take it to heart. In the hands of a skilled poet, simple words can help me to explore, express, and clarify what I'm feeling. A good poem can become a sort of mantra that I carry with me, can help me get through the bad times, and celebrate the good times.

I think much of this new appreciation of poetry is due to the poems and poets Kym shared during April. One of my new favorites is Balance by Jane Hirshfield and I was so taken with Good Bones by Maggie Smith that I bought the book and have been reading it, carefully savoring. Here's one I want to share:

Stonefish

There are fish in the black trenches
of the sea that look like rocks.
Their poison shouldn't trouble me.
They are so deep, we'll never touch.
But I think of them. If it is paranoid
to believe there is a trench in me
the doctors haven't dragged,
a cave no one's plumbed with light,
then fine, I'm paranoid. But whatever
plaques and tangles, whatever cells
wait deadly with their terrible hunger
must be disguised. You should know
the most venomous fish lives
in the shallows. It also looks like a rock.

Good Bones, published by Tupelo Press in 2017. Copyright Maggie Smith.

Thank you, Kym, for helping me see how much poetry can help in balancing my life, and exposing me to poems and poets who do it so well!

Today

Today, as I continue to seek balance, a perfect poem from Mary Oliver.

Today

Today I’m flying low and I’m
not saying a word
I’m letting all the voodoos of ambition sleep.

The world goes on as it must,
the bees in the garden rumbling a little,
the fish leaping, the gnats getting eaten.
And so forth.

But I’m taking the day off.
Quiet as a feather.
I hardly move though really I’m traveling
a terrific distance.

Stillness. One of the doors
into the temple.

–Mary Oliver

Balance

When I changed my word to Balance back in February, I did so because I was feeling quite out of kilter with many years of caring for my father, his death, buying the house in MD, commuting back and forth between MD and NJ, and the death of my mother-in-law, but I really didn't have a clue. I know that I was feeling unbalanced and had begun to take small steps to remedy that, but then the universe stepped in with bilateral pulmonary embolisms to make sure that I was really paying attention to Balance.

I went to Colorado to visit Ryan, but also to discuss some issues and challenges that he's been having for several years. We talked and talked, he arrived at some decisions and plans to move forward, and I was feeling better about his situation than I have for several years. That felt like I had taken positive steps toward helping Ryan regain some much-needed balance. Then I got on a plane to fly back home, ended up with two PEs, and after being initially scared to death, I've begun to make balance a part of my life again.

So far, this has involved following doctors' instructions to the letter - taking medication religiously, not sitting for more than an hour without moving, and making sure that I exercise in some form for at least an hour each day. Moving is no longer a choice or something I can ignore! Some aspects of the whole experience have caused me even more stress, so I've returned to daily meditation. It feels like a lot right now, and I don't want this to take over and rule my life, but I think it's all important to incorporate healthier habits and make them an integral part of my life.

I've read slightly differing statistics, but the median seems to be that in about 40% of people who experience a PE, the first symptom is sudden death. That is an alarming number to me, and one that I've had to make a conscious decision not to focus on. I have no idea why I wasn't among that 40% or why I was lucky enough to walk around for 72 hours after it happened before I was diagnosed and treated. But I was incredibly fortunate and feel that regaining Balance is key. I'm trying.

Which Little Word?

In the beginning of 2019, I had chosen Patience as my One Little Word, but then I read Kym's extraordinary post at the end of January and it felt like an important moment. I thought about it for ten minutes before finally realizing that I had to change my word. Kym's logic and reasoning for choosing Intention as her word this year made so much sense to me, but it was really her simple diagram that showed me why I needed to change my word to Balance:

Balance ==> Focus ==> Intention

This is such a logical progression, but you have to start with Balance. Everything starts with Balance! Right now, I feel quite unbalanced after several years of my father being sick and spending quite a bit of time contributing to the care, help, and transport that he needed, his death in 2018, buying the house in MD, traveling back and forth between NJ and MD, and the death of my mother-in-law last month. I desperately need to feel like I am living a life in balance again, but I know that has not been the case for several years, maybe even longer. I would love to "jump ahead" to focus or intention, but I know that's not what I need. So Balance it is, equilibrium between work and leisure, fun and serious, physical activity and rest, thoughtful consideration and spontaneity.

So far, my actions have been mainly questioning, reading, and thinking about Balance - what it is, what it might mean to me in my own circumstances, what it looks like to lead a balanced life, and trying to practice small steps towards Balance. It will be a slow process, but I think that by the end of the year, I might be able to place myself in the photo of a Life in Balance.

I am joining Juliann and hope you will, too, to read where others' words are leading them.