Friday Letters

I think I've finally gathered enough topics to write a few Friday letters. So without further ado, let's open the mail. 

======

Dear Justin,

Never fear, I was not having a stroke when I sent you this text the other morning. I have these stupid sloth gifs preloaded in my messaging app and when my fat fingers accidentally hit one, it sends immediately. I think the fish tire leak was autocorrected, or it may have been a case of fat fingers once again. There were no fish tire leaks. Sorry!

Love, 

Mom

======

Dear Walmart,

I would have won the bet with myself when I went into the store on August 25 that you would have Halloween candy out, more than two months ahead of the actual holiday. You didn't disappoint me! I do think that your people in charge of what you display on shelves and when should learn the cardinal rule of Halloween candy: You do not buy it more than a week ahead of time. You will hide it and then forget where your hiding place is, or more likely, you will eat it all and have to repeat the Halloween candy cycle all over again. I am afraid that you might have Valentine's Day decor out the week before Halloween, but I'm still refusing to buy Halloween candy in August.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled Shopper

======

Dear People That Make and Sell Slime,

No, simply no. This goo looks awful and I'm confused about this printed on the Unicorn Slime: "Squeeze and strain measured amounts of lemon and lime juice. Can also be used in a standard manner." My standard manner of using slime is to not use it. My sons made enough of a mess without me buying stuff for them to grind into the carpets or furniture. I'd love to see your sales figures for this stuff!

Signed,

Wondering

======

Dear SkinTē,

This stuff really had me wondering. First of all, this is a terrible product name. It conjures up a repulsive mental image for me. Secondly, this is tea with collagen in it? I don't remember much from biochemistry (and I did get a C) but I do recall that collagen is a huge molecule. I don't think drinking it (yuck!) will send it directly to my skin and make me look younger. Your website does tell me that this is "the first-ever collagen sparkling tea that benefits skin, hair, nails, gut, and mood." I could use all those benefits but I fear that I won't get them from your tea. I searched for the scientific evidence for this claim on your website, but it was surprisingly absent. The Cleveland Clinic says that "Collagen can’t be absorbed by your body in its whole form. Your body breaks down the collagen proteins you eat into amino acids. So eating collagen-rich foods doesn’t directly result in higher collagen levels in your body." So thanks but no thanks. Good luck to you (and the Slime people) selling this stuff!

Sincerely,

A person who will never willingly drink SkinTē

======

I hope that you enjoy a lovely weekend without SkinTē, Slime, or fish tire leaks. (Feel free to enjoy some Halloween candy if that's how you roll.)