While I was looking for quilt squares in my cedar chest, I came upon these.
My mother was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in December of 2000, and after radiation, chemotherapy, and a heart-wrenching and painful struggle, died in January of 2002.
I clearly remember when she first told me about it; all I could think to do was knit for her. So I did. I had some sort of vague, irrational idea that if I could knit her chemo caps to keep her warm and comfortable after she lost her hair, then everything would be okay. I was so focused on this that I knit these in two days, without patterns, and out of some unsuitable cotton that I had on hand. She did lose her hair, and wore these, but they didn't make everything okay.
All I can remember about the funeral is sobbing to my sister afterwards about another chemo cap that I had made Mom out of Chinchilla. It was also unsuitable yarn for a hat (rayon chenille, dry clean only), but so soft, and it was Mom's favorite. I was afraid it had gotten lost, but it turned out that my sister had it. That was fine; I just couldn't bear to think about these last fragile connections with my mother disappearing.
After almost 14 years I mainly recall the happy memories, but finding these in the cedar chest did make me a bit teary-eyed. It's good to remember the sadness occasionally as it makes the happy times in our lives even sweeter.
oh Bonny, I'm so sorry for your loss...time helps, but doesn't make it better. How wonderful that you have those caps and so many happy memories.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya. Sometimes the tears come, even when it's been a long time. But clearly you did something that made your mother happy and made her feel loved, so I hope you know that.
ReplyDeleteWe have so little of my mothers and I feel that loss. Sad memories lead to happy memories and that's how we get through the loss.
ReplyDeleteSending a big hug your way Bonny. I too knit my Mom a couple of hats when she lost her hair (lung and liver). I couldn't keep them though after she died. I don't drive by the cemetery that often but I did this morning, and I beeped. :-)
ReplyDeleteHugs hugs hugs--how lovely your mom had something impractical that she loved!
ReplyDeleteThe kind of grief we feel when we lose our moms is something that we get used to but it doesn't go away. I'm so sorry and I hope you know that I get it.
ReplyDeleteOh, Bonny. Sending so much love. XO
ReplyDeleteI have some things of my mother's and my sister's around -- hats that I made for them, some of the things that they wore. I don't put them away, they're just out... I am sometimes surprised and I know exactly how you feel. {{hugs}}
ReplyDeletemy mom died of breast cancer too :( I love that you have fond memories as do I! I have an unfinished cross stitch picture I started when she was ill, I cannot finish it, it makes me sad and anxious and so I tuck it away.
ReplyDeleteI'm knitting socks right now for my uncle, who has multiple types of cancer. It's been a good way to channel my anxiety about his situation into something that is both calming and productive.
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