I love you dearly and feel I should thank you for providing me with so much entertainment. When I took you to the funeral of your friend's mother last week we had a great time together, didn't we? Listening to my seat belt buzzer beep at me continuously for 15 miles because you wouldn't let me fasten your seat belt and you couldn't hear it yourself was fun thing #1. You choosing to clutch on to random male strangers and the casket handles for stability instead of holding my arm (or using your cane) was amusing to all. The funniest was after we had been sitting at the viewing for an hour and you decided that you didn't want to stay for the funeral. Since you never, ever wear your hearing aids, your voice is very loud and your announcement of "LET'S JUST SNEAK OUT" at 98 dB was heard by almost everyone. Just in case there was anyone who had missed this, you were very clever to repeat this to two other people (at approximately 105 dB because you told me they were hard of hearing) on our way out. I value people who can make me laugh, and I seriously thank you for some real fun!
Hey Squirrels, (Sorry, I just can't address you as "Dear")
Consider this your cease and desist letter. While you may feel that chewing your way into our attic four times after we've repaired your damage each time shows persistence and fortitude on your part, we just find it aggravating and infuriating. It seems like you are trying to further provoke us by waking us up at night with the sounds of squirrel mating, producing more horrid little vermin to carry out your evil plans to take over our house. We will be fighting back with all weapons at our disposal, from cleverly hidden traps to Justin with his blowgun. You have been warned.
Dear Fortune Cookie Fortune Writers,
I'm wondering if there have been some cutbacks at the factory? Based on these recent fortunes we've received, it looks like some of you may be struggling, especially you, Po. Maybe you've simply had to write too many fortunes or you're going through a mid-winter slump, but please work on, in despair. I've got some suggestions if you'd like help.
Wishing everyone a happy, healthy, and safe weekend, with plenty of noddles!